The couple that prays together stays together

Prayer is communication with God, it needs to have a central place in every Christian marriage, and it has a powerful unifying effect for a couple. Healthy communication strengthens relationships, and if prayer is communication with God, regular, sincere communication with God strengthens a person’s relationship with God, as regular, sincere communication between a husband and wife strengthens the person’s relationship with one’s spouse.

The marriage triangle helps to illustrate this. God is the point at the top. The wife and husband are the points at each corner on the bottom. The base of the triangle is the distance that separates the husband and wife, and the two sides of the triangle are the distance that separates the wife or husband from God. The goal is to grow closer to God and each other. When the wife or husband grows closer to God through prayer, the person slides up the side of the triangle, and by growing closer to God they grow closer to each other. Likewise, when the wife and husband grow closer to each other through good communication or acts of love, they grow closer to God.

Two errors are to be avoided. One error is: “My relationship with God is a private thing. I will pray alone. You pray alone. We won’t pray together.” The other error is: “Let’s pray together, and since we are praying together, we don’t need to pray by ourselves.” This is not either-or — pray individually or pray together — but both-and. Both the wife and husband need to have individual relationships with God nurtured by personal private prayer, and a joint relationship with God nurtured by their common prayer.

Prayer needs to be an essential element of every day. It deserves priority attention. No excuses. Once I saw on a roadside church sign that said, “If you are too busy to pray, you are too busy.”

Shared prayer is an ideal way to pray together. The wife and husband speak to God out loud, spontaneously, in their own words, in each other’s presence. It is very intimate and self-revelatory. The person tells God their inmost thoughts, their praise and thanks, worries and concerns, joys and sorrows, regret over sins and failings, personal needs, and special requests for others. As the person bares their soul before God, the person also bares their soul before their spouse, and it has a miraculous unifying effect both with God and one’s spouse.

The vital and indispensable pillar of a Catholic couple’s common prayer is to attend Mass together every weekend. The Mass provides the spiritual sustenance of word and sacrament and keeps them connected to the community of faith, the body of Christ, the Church.

There are other prayers that can be said together daily around the house: prayers before meals, the morning offering and bedside night prayers. Some couples like to pray together while they are outside for a walk or during a drive in the car.

There are many ways to pray either individually or together, and couples have many options available to them. It is common to say the Lord’s Prayer, the Hail Mary or to pray the rosary. Many parishes offer eucharistic Adoration. Other possibilities include Bible reading, the Stations of the Cross, the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, litanies, novenas and hymns. Couples would be well-advised to heed the age-old adage: The couple that prays together stays together.

Father Van Sloun is the clergy services director for the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis. This column is part of a series on the sacrament of marriage.