Outdo one another in love

Competition can kill a marriage or cause it to flourish, depending upon the model used. There is competition American-style or competition Jesus-style as explained by St. Paul.

Competition is woven into the fabric of American culture and society. Businesses compete against each other for the best products, the newest innovations, the biggest profits and the largest market share. Employees compete against each other for recognition, compensation and promotion. Athletes try to beat someone out to make the team; try to get ahead of teammates to make the starting lineup; once playing, to get a larger share of the playing time; and then to excel beyond the rest to win individual awards. There are winners, and frequently the winners step on others to get ahead, and their successes come at the expense of unfortunate losers.

Competitors strive for excellence, which is good. God wants us to put our talents to the best possible use. But competitors try to get an edge on their opponents, and no wife or husband should try to get an edge on their spouse. When one spouse gets their way, prevails, conquers or comes in first ahead of the other — the “American competitive way,” when one wins and the other loses — the winner loses. Jesus said the two are “one body” (Mk 10:8), and St. Paul explains, “If one part of the body suffers, the other part suffers with it” (paraphrase, 1 Cor 12:26). For wives and husbands, win-win is the only acceptable way to compete.

St. Paul has a formula for Jesus-style competition in a marriage and a family: “Love one another with mutual affection” (Rom 12:10a, RNAB). A relationship that is mutual is a joint venture, done together, shared back and forth, and reciprocal. It is not domineering or submissive, always getting one’s way or always giving in, but on the same level, paying attention to the other’s preferences, seeking to do what is good for the other, and desiring to please the other.

Affectionate love is warm and friendly, kind and caring, tender and gentle. It leaves no guesswork. It is outgoing and takes the initiative to speak up quickly with cheerful greetings, compliments, words of appreciation, encouragements, expressions of concern, uplifting and humorous remarks — all made in a pleasant tone of voice. Affectionate love is expressive and shows itself with smiles, holding hands, snuggling side by side, an embrace or a kiss. It is open and honest, defenses down, trust up, safe, respectful, sharing what is on one’s mind and in one’s heart without holding back. It is helpful, gladly pitching in on daily duties like cooking, cleaning and laundry, often done cheerfully with each other. And it is willing to sacrifice for the sake of the other, particularly in times of hardship.

St. Paul has an intriguing angle on competition in marriage and family relationships. He wrote, “Outdo one another in showing honor” (Rom 12:10b, NRSV). To “outdo” is to get a step ahead of someone or to do the person one better. It is a friendly competition that is highly recommended for married couples. If one offers a kind word, the other replies with a kinder one. If one does a favor, the other returns a bigger or better one. If one shows compassion and understanding, the other responds with heartful mercy and forgiveness. These are effective ways to honor one’s spouse, to express admiration, to hold one’s spouse in the highest possible esteem and to treat one’s spouse like a winner.

Father Van Sloun is the clergy services director for the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis. This column is part of a series on the sacrament of marriage.