Last Saturday, I found myself – not for the first time and definitely not for the last – at a hen party. The minute you turn 30, hen parties start coming at you like express trains and, just as a rabbit in the headlights, you find yourself with no option other than to twitch nervously until the brutality is over.

This one was different. The bride-to-be was one of my closest friends and her sister had organised what is called a “low-key hen”, which in layman’s terms means that it monopolised only one evening (rather than an entire weekend) and involved delicious food, without any cruel jokes or embarrassing surprises.

It prompted me to think about marriage and the Catholic Church. No doubt could be cast on the Church’s attitude towards the Holy Sacrament of marriage. Likewise its views on divorce, which are intransigent and ever shall be. But what about once you have crossed the threshold? Where is the support from the Church then? How does the Catholic community support and sustain married people and marriages? There is so much emphasis on the importance of the holy union, but very little stress is placed on how to make a marriage work. It seems almost as if the Church holds your hand up to the altar and then leaves you to get on with it.

The next day (smuggikins alert) I found myself – not for the first time and I hope not for the last – in church, where the priest’s homily revolved around the miracle of the wedding at Cana. Here’s a refresher (excuse the pun):

“There was a marriage in Cana of Galilee; and the mother of Jesus was there: And both Jesus was called, and his disciples, to the marriage. And when they wanted wine, the mother of Jesus saith unto him, They have no wine. Jesus saith unto her, Woman, what have I to do with thee? mine hour is not yet come. His mother saith unto the servants, Whatsoever he saith unto you, do it. And there were set there six waterpots of stone, after the manner of the purifying of the Jews, containing two or three firkins apiece. Jesus saith unto them, Fill the waterpots with water. And they filled them up to the brim. And he saith unto them, Draw out now, and bear unto the governor of the feast. And they bare it … The ruler of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine.”

It is, for obvious reasons, a favoured choice at weddings. But this time, the homily focussed not on Jesus’s famed miracle, but on Mary’s role in the scene. It is interesting to note that in John’s Gospel, Mary is mentioned above and then there is no further reference to her until she is at the foot of the Cross. It is further interesting that on both counts, Jesus addresses her not as “mother” but as “woman”; she is representative of all women and indeed of all human people. In fact, Mary directs the miracle at the feast: she notices the thirst of the guests and she commands Jesus. It is Mary who instructs the servants.

On this particular Sunday, the homily continued with the understanding that the miracle at Cana is about the thirst each of us has for the love of God and it is only when we follow Mary and meet the love of Jesus that our thirst will be quenched.

But again it seemed odd that Mary – the ultimate wife and mother, if you like – is so significant to the Catholic faith but doesn’t offer anything especially obvious about how to be (at the very least) a satisfactory wife. Her role as mother supersedes her job as wife.

Investigation leads me to Father Patrick Peyton (1909-1992). Known as “the rosary priest”, he was born in County Mayo and wound up in Hollywood, where he was confidante to Grace Kelly, among others. He is famed for coining the phrase “the family that prays together, stays together”, and he dedicated his time to emphasising the importance of prayer in family life. He’s worth looking up for guidance on the Catholic faith in family life.

Call me Grace Kelly, but I check in with a friend who is a priest, and ask him what a woman’s to do. The Rosary isn’t always practical in everyday life, I tell him, much to his despair. His advice is orthodox: bring Mary into the heart of marriage, pray to her every day, make your home a holy home. “The word of God informs our homes,” he tells me.

Perhaps, like so much in the Church and its wider community, a fulfilling family life requires more than showing up and hoping for the best. Mary’s actions at the Feast of Cana are a good starting point: deliberation, perseverance, love. And wine to wash it all down with.

This article first appeared in the February 2022 issue of the Catholic Herald. Subscribe today.

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