Marriage and intimacy

Intimacy in marriage often seems like it should naturally develop without much effort, almost as if it should be taken for granted as a byproduct of saying, “I do.” And yet, we know that many spouses in marriage struggle with being open to the tension that accompanies intimacy. The experience of being fully known by one’s spouse is one of the most frightening, and most rewarding, experiences in life.

We may say “yes” on our wedding day to sharing our life with this person, but do we really understand what that “yes” will require in the coming decades? According to David Schnarch, a licensed clinical psychologist, intimacy is much harder to tolerate than it is to create. He contends that as intimacy brings us closer to another person, we may feel a threatened loss of a sense of self, which we need to function in the world. Samuel T. Gladding, a professor of counseling at Wake Forest University, refers to this as the “tolerance of intimacy,” or the ability to sustain emotional closeness. Clearly, creating and tolerating intimacy is a challenging experience in any close relationship, but especially in marriage.

In order to engage our spouse at a deep and trusting level, we must be vulnerable, which can be difficult for all individuals, particularly for those who have experienced difficulties in childhood related to attachment. Secure attachment is at the foundation of all trusting relationships throughout life, because these relationships require the most intimacy.

Attachment is the experience the child has when its mother dotes on him or her. The mother is the one who attaches most significantly with the child, and it is from this relationship that the secure attachment bond develops. Secure attachment allows adults to tolerate intimacy in marriage without the fear of losing themselves in the relationship. If the fear of being overwhelmed by another person arises, an individual who has attachment injuries or attachment wounds may put up walls and resist closeness, as well as the intimacy that emanates from the shared relationship of trust, due to fear, not due to dislike or disdain.

People might ask how they would know if they have unresolved attachment injuries or attachment wounds from childhood. A few signs of the lack of secure attachment in childhood include not having positive experiences in relationships in adulthood, because close relationships can be unpredictable. A lack of a positive sense of self throughout life is another sign of the impact of attachment wounds. Some adults may not even realize they lack a positive sense of themselves because this is how they have always felt.

If you suspect that you have what are called attachment injuries or attachment wounds from childhood, consider finding a therapist who can help you explore and address these apparent weaknesses. I say “apparent” because we know that God works all things out for good, and it is our belief in this promise that is the foundation of our trust in God.

There is simply no need to remain trapped in feelings of insecurity and self-doubt when there is so much help available. There are therapies to assist in developing an understanding of the insecurity and fear associated with intimacy and emotional closeness in marriage. Choosing not to reach out to them is akin to choosing to live in a prison. Life is too precious to do that.

Soucheray is a licensed marriage and family therapist and a member of Guardian Angels in Oakdale. She holds a master’s degree in theology from The St. Paul Seminary School of Divinity in St. Paul and a doctorate in educational leadership from St. Mary’s University of Minnesota.