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Some people might think a good marriage is made in heaven. Those who understand how a good, lasting, encouraging marriage works know it is built on the skills couples develop as they work to manage the ups and downs of their relationship. Skill-building is a task that all individuals must engage in if they hope to improve and master whatever endeavor they undertake.

A baseball player who has a .300 average is considered one of the best in the game. Hockey players become nearly as excited about the assists they make as they are about the goals they score. Individuals working in a business setting know they must learn to work as a team to achieve the desired results they have set for themselves and their organization. These individuals, whether they are engaged in baseball, hockey or the corporate office, all know that achieving their goals will involve setbacks and disappointments, as well as successes and highlights. In addition, they all accept that practice is essential to attain success. Marriage is no different.

Learning to work with your partner to build a successful marriage and become more skilled at handling discussions begins with working out disagreements. A couple who perceives a disagreement as a negative experience will have much more than the issue at hand to manage. The resentment that can build up as one or both partners believe they have to give in to keep the peace can eventually erode the happy marriage they are both hoping to create. Additionally, when a couple believes that compromise is the answer to solving a problem, they often experience one partner or the other holding a grudge and keeping score.

In good, lasting marriages, couples are not afraid of disagreements, but rather see them as opportunities to become closer through good discussions. They know that if a discussion becomes an argument, hurtful comments can be made that erode the happiness the couple is trying to build. Oftentimes, all a couple needs is a little direction to help them reinvigorate the love that drew them together in the first place.

ACTION CHALLENGECheck your parish library, ask your parish priest for resources or consider purchasing a book at your local bookstore to help your marriage become even better. Make the quality of your marriage a priority in 2020.

A good text for helping couples work toward the marriage they desire is “Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work” by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning and Kim Paleg. The authors state “relationships that endure and deepen are formed by couples who know and practice basic interpersonal skills: listening, clear communication, negotiation and handling anger appropriately.”

While this book will not replace good counseling for couples, it can help a couple develop greater intimacy, which Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel contends is another way of saying “into me see.” Intimacy is one of the most rewarding experiences of a good, solid, connected marriage. It is also one of the most vulnerable experiences we will have in life. It is from intimacy that trust emanates. As Samuel Gladding, a professor of counseling in the Department of Counseling at Wake Forest University explains, there is no such thing as instant intimacy or trustworthiness. Rather, both are generated through patterns of behavior that demonstrate care and concern.

“Couples Skills: Making Your Relationship Work” offers helpful, clear suggestions for couples and teaches listening skills, how to express feelings and reinforce good communication. It also addresses the importance of clean communication, identifying one’s own negative thought patterns and how these thought patterns contribute to problems in a relationship. Anger and conflict, as well as tackling the impact old established patterns have on our thinking and our behaviors, are also addressed.

As with any good marriage text, “Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work” offers homework assignments, which allow couples to practice the ideas that are taught. Just as baseball players, hockey professionals and corporate executives must practice the skills they are working to master, a good marriage requires the same kind of attention.

Take time this month to become closer to your spouse through learning new skills of listening, communication, negotiation and handling anger issues more effectively. If you find yourselves needing an outside resource, reach out to friends and ask who they have seen for marriage therapy. You will also find information about Worldwide Marriage Encounter or Retrovaille on the internet or through your parish priest. Decide that 2020 is the year to make your marriage even better.

Soucheray is a licensed marriage and family therapist and a member of Guardian Angels in Oakdale. She holds a master’s degree in theology from The St. Paul Seminary School of Divinity in St. Paul and a doctorate in educational leadership from St. Mary’s University of Minnesota.