I almost declined to write a review of Stephanie Gordon’s new book, Ask Your Husband, because of one chapter I wasn’t ready to publicly admit I agreed with. So, I spoke to other women about it, asking a friend this question: “Did you know the Catechism of the Council of Trent basically says wives cannot work outside the home?” As a stay-at-home Catholic mother, I thought this friend would care, so I continued, “It says, ‘The wife should love to remain at home, unless compelled by necessity to go out, and she should never presume to leave home without her husband’s consent.’” To my surprise, the friend scoffed at me and said, “But when was that written?” There was no attempt to understanding the Church’s teaching, only to immediately discredit it as “old.”

Ask Your Husband: A Catholic Guide for Femininity is a timely book, because 2000 years of Church teaching on the duties and responsibilities of wives has been erased from the modern Catholic’s conscience, and the effects of forgetting are everywhere. For the traditional Catholic woman, this book is a guide on how to become “authentically feminine,” and thus fulfilled in her marriage and homelife. The book seems primarily aimed at women who are not aware of the modern move away from these traditional teachings, and Gordon spends a great deal of time combatting the arguments of feminists who aggressively strive to wipe the traditional family out of existence.

There’s no doubt that Gordon has dedicated massive amounts of time and energy to understanding her subject. Gordon’s book covers a broad array of topics, including marital complementarity, societal solidarity, the purpose of formal education for women, appropriate hobbies for wives, nagging and criticizing, abusive husbands, beta husbands, what constitutes inerrant Church teaching, and why being a published author is perfectly acceptable while being a “working mom” isn’t. She even touches upon recent fads such as “fat empowerment” and Twitter wars.

Two chapters in the book will be exceptionally helpful for the open-minded Catholic woman. The first of these chapters, An Obedient Wife is Actually Man’s Best Friend, describes the traits of a happy marriage. Gordon says the marital relationship is a “friendship between unequals,” a term coined by Aristotle. Unequal doesn’t mean lacking in dignity or worth. Far from demeaning wives, the term acknowledges the unique gifts a wife brings to her marriage and how she is capable of meeting male emotional and spiritual needs, thus leading to an “attractive interdependence” (and increased male fidelity). According to this view, a wife can find fulfillment by uniting her gifts with that of her husband to form a whole. Gordon argues that headship or leadership of the family is not a woman’s unique need and won’t fulfill her purpose. Gordon acknowledges some women may not be “well-ordered” in their femininity and shows how they might work toward forming themselves to the ideal. None of these ideas are new, but the depth of Gordon’s explanations and how she illustrates them for the modern audience is a welcome addition to contemporary discussion of the topic.

Gordon stresses that wives need not be timid, weak, or quiet to have a happy marriage. The opposite of feminism isn’t silence, she says; it’s knowing when to be silent. Gordon says wives should outwardly express their deferment to the husband, as Our Lady verbally expressed her submission to God at the Annunciation and Christ at the wedding feast at Cana. Wives are also encouraged to communicate honestly when they disagree with their husband, but to do so privately. On a lighter note, Gordon tells wives that in order to be their husband’s best friends they must embrace enjoyable activities, even if those activities are secular. “[S]ports, movies, books, and music – and even Halloween (gasp) —are permissible as long as they don’t cause you to sin and violate your duties” (p. 72). She tells us to fill our vocational lives with “moxie” and “belly laughs.” In my house, we call this “levity.” So, whether you’ve been called a “stick-in-the-mud” or too spunky, women need to meet men where they need us, as opposites and friends.

The second chapter worth mentioning is called Unplugging from the culture of lies. I predict it’s going to create the most controversy. In it, Gordon argues that it is sinful for wives and mothers to work outside the home. She spends a lot of time unpacking that statement. For stay-at-home moms, this chapter will feel like cozying up in a heavy, woolen shawl on a chilly night. It’s comforting to see such rational support for a choice these latter moms have intuitively understood and to which they have already submitted. Gordon answers an endless stream of objections lobbed at traditional wives by feminists and well-meaning Catholics alike. Of the thirteen objections to her argument, she accepts five instances in which a woman should go to work outside the home. She argues that most wives go to work for the wrong reasons, that we’re all a little too afraid of suffering and that most of us have more than we need. As Gordon suggests, one question may put the whole consideration to rest: are my children sufficiently catechized, being formed in virtue, and supported in all their spiritual and emotional needs? If not, why would you abandon them? If you or your friends are still clinging to arguments in favor of “working moms” based the writings of St. John Paul II or the life of St. Gianna Molla, read this chapter first.

What helped soften me to Gordon’s claims are sections of the book describing her own life, which make her authentic and more relatable. She’s had to adapt and submit and “die to self” in order that she might live the femininity she espouses. Because she has struggled to get there, she offers great practical advice to help other women realize that “no one could ever replace [them] at home, where [their] role is utterly precious” and to be “immensely proud of how irreplaceable they are” (p. 105).

Though Gordon has written a well-researched and readable manual on femininity, it does contain some tonal confusion. Her voice of invitation and understanding is often overshadowed by pronounced anger, which may turn some readers away. At the outset, she describes the dismal state of marriages, families, and society under feminism’s spell. She is sharp-tongued and doesn’t cajole the reader. Those convinced by her arguments may find a wise friend and come to see her scorn as justified. She names the parties guilty of distorting femininity and calls out those who support these distortions by their own silence, including the clergy. Gordon says that the quote from the Catechism of the Council of Trent mentioned above is the “only definitive catechetical statement by the church on the matter” of the duties of a wife (p. 8) and it was written nearly five hundred years ago. She argues that the clergy and influential Catholic writers have widely ignored the subject and failed to instruct the faithful on this “basic Christian teaching.”

The zeal in Gordon’s writing may sometimes overshadow another important aspect of this subject. It must be highlighted that I am not, nor is Gordon or any woman, responsible for making decisions for fellow Catholics. As a friend of mine said, it’s much like the decision to use Natural Family Planning to avoid pregnancy or the private negotiation of wifely generosity and male compassion regarding spousal intimacy. The decision for a wife to go to work must be personally weighed by each husband and wife against the wife’s duties to home and children. The wife’s duties are grave (read: eternally consequential), so the reasons for a wife to pursue work outside the home must be grave as well. We mustn’t presume culpability when we see working wives, for we do not know whether they have discerned a grave reason to go to work or if they know the Church’s teaching on the subject. I can acknowledge being entirely swept up in feminist culture until I married a philosophically educated and well-formed cradle Catholic who quickly let me know he wasn’t keen on it, to say the least. As you’ll learn in her book, Gordon has a similar story – she is a convert who married the now popular podcaster, educator, and author Timothy Gordon.

If the ideal traditional Catholic marriage that Gordon presents is overwhelming to women, that is understandable. Her book puts a lot of pressure on women and seemingly little on men. The reader should remember the book aims to respond to feminism’s attacks on women and families. Because of this, the book is not strong on acknowledging the extremes on the other side, namely that of husbands who lord over, harm, and neglect their wives, or use wives as objects for pleasure or procreation. Though the book doesn’t set out to sufficiently explain the duties of a husband or men in general, it does touch on them. And given the wider teachings of the Church on charity and sacrifice based on the 10 commandments and Christ’s own words, some of this should be obvious. Still, in Gordon’s chapter “The Leader Who Won’t Lead,” she condemns abuse of any kind toward a wife, suggesting separation and seeking an annulment as recourses women have. Gordon’s ideal assigns husbands the duty to financially support the family, to be their knowledgeable leader in the faith and all decision making, to balance the stress of work with family life, and to treat his wife with compassion and gentleness. The wife, Gordon argues, has the right to address with her husband and clergy, if necessary, any abuse or neglect on his part. Yet, in the end, if the situation isn’t causing physical, emotional, or spiritual injury, Gordon advises the wife to pray and lead her husband to change through patience, charity, perseverance, and constant prayer. There are numerous female saints one could look to as guides in this area.

Finally, the book may raise significant questions not related to femininity. For example, while the book is generally well-researched, the chapter called Inerrant Catholic Teaching Versus Working Wives would benefit from more citations from scholarly sources and less from online Catholic media, Wikipedia, and Catholic Answers. The levels of authority given to each type of magisterial document has become an important topic, especially since Pope Francis’ moto proprio on the Latin Mass. The claim that a pope has only spoken ex cathedra twice in 2,000 years (p. 118) requires more unpacking than it receives here, especially when the following section uses many Church documents and writings of the church fathers and doctors to uphold the author’s claims. The reader needs to fully understand the weight given to each of the pillars of Gordon’s arguments. The same concern holds true for the claim that Catholics have only one catechetical statement on wifely duties (The Council of Trent). Gordon quotes a lot of other writings and documents, so why is a “catechetical statement” so important? Clarification here would help the author support the thesis of the book and help her readers spread the message in everyday conversations.

In the end, Ask Your Husband is a thought-provoking and enjoyable read. That red hot fire we see in Gordon’s indictments also colors the book with wit and humor. She illustrates her ideas with pop culture analogies and amusing TV show references to which most readers will relate. With section titles like, “Don’t act like a giant contraceptive,” even the skeptical might smile. Ask Your Husband comes as a hardcover with a dust jacket featuring a classical painting of Our Lady and St. Joseph’s wedding. Displayed on a coffee table, it serves as a beautiful reminder to wives as they go about their day, not to mention a great conversation starter if they ever need to defend their femininity.

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