Gina Barthel
Why am I Catholic? I dare say nobody on the planet has asked themselves this question more than I have!
As a survivor of clergy abuse, I thought I’d never be able to step foot into a Catholic church again. In addition to the trauma of my abuse, my situation was initially handled poorly by leadership, and, since telling my story, I’ve experienced rejection from people who matter to me.
So why haven’t I run away? Am I a glutton for punishment? Am I crazy?
The answer is the body of Christ — both the Eucharist and the people — the Mystical Body of Christ.
While I’ve suffered much, I’ve also been loved by fellow Catholics who refused to give up on God’s love and on me, even in the messiness of my healing journey.
Several years ago, one cold winter night Jesus woke me up, and in my heart I heard him say, “Come to me.” I asked, “What do you mean?” His words echoed in my heart over and over: “Come to Me.”
I knew what he meant: adoration.
I grumbled. It was a cold Minnesota winter night! His gentle voice persisted. So, I went.
Until then, going to adoration for more than five or 10 minutes would cause me so much anxiety that I would leave. But that night was different. I just sat with Jesus, and, without realizing it, I was there for over two hours.
I went back, night after night, just hanging out with Jesus in silence. Eucharistic adoration, once a source of anxiety, became a place of security.
In adoration I could give my deepest pain to Jesus. Little by little, he was setting me free.
All I had to do was show up.
One night, when the chapels were locked because of the shutdown, I was in a dark place, and full of despair.
I drove to the Cathedral and parked my car in the direction of the tabernacle; I wanted to be inside. While I sat there, I got a text from Bishop Andrew Cozzens, who has walked this journey of healing with me for nearly eight years now.
He knew I was struggling and wanted to check in. I texted back, explaining my frustration with locked churches.
Bishop Cozzens set up adoration in his chapel, and asked me if I wanted to FaceTime with the Lord. He FaceTimed, and the camera was only on Jesus. I burst into tears. I was in so much pain, and I gave that pain to Jesus.
That night was just what I needed to catch my breath and get back up.
Bishop Cozzens says the idea was “an inspiration of the Holy Spirit.”
That’s Jesus! He meets us where we are. He knows what we need. He loves us in ways that are unique to only us.
Jesus is healing me through the Eucharist.
Adoration is where Jesus has revealed my real identity — that I’m no better than anyone else and I’m not worse than anyone else. I belong to him and there is a place for me in his Church.
I will never say I’m healed. I won’t be healed until I’m in Heaven. Healing is ongoing. But one thing is certain, as long as we have the Eucharist, I’m not going anywhere. I echo the words of St. Peter, “To whom shall we go? You have the words of everlasting life.” (Jn 6:68)
Barthel, 45, is a registered nurse and hospice case manager who lives in the western metro. She enjoys crafting, writing and spending time with loved ones. She serves as a volunteer and collaborator with the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis’ Office for Ministerial Standards and Safe Environment.
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