Thomas Carey
When Thomas Carey and three other young dads from St. Gerard Majella in Brooklyn Park decided to form a faith-sharing group back in 1982, they had no idea how much staying power it would have. They met every Wednesday morning month after month, year after year, decade after decade. A pandemic didn’t even stop them. Today, Carey belongs to St. Pius X in White Bear Lake, and the 83-year-old widow still sees the other three men — Bob Goligowski, Gene Hoelscher and Steve Robach — every Wednesday. They believe they are the longest-running continuous faith-sharing group in the archdiocese.
Q) Your background is in education, and you were the first recipient of the University of St. Thomas’ “Lifelong Learner” award!
A) That was really neat! I always seek opportunities to grow. Workshops, seminars, travel — I’ve been in 100 countries and all 50 states. You have to be a little bit of a risk taker. It really expanded my knowledge and awareness and led me to a deeper understanding of what life is about it.
Q) Now that living in a retirement community, what does lifelong learning look like?
A) I play tennis three days a week, I’m in charge of a bocce ball court here, I play cards, and I’m chairman of the education commitment. Bimonthly we make a presentation to the entire unit. We had a fellow talk about your iPad and your iPhone, computers and how to avoid scams. We did one on pharmacies and drugs, one on how to avoid falls, and another on taxes and insurance. Practical things. One time we had a presentation on the small towns that residents grew up in — of course many were farms. That was interesting.
Q) Do you also learn in casual conversation by asking questions?
A) Yes! That was really true with the international students I advised at St. Thomas. And before that, when I was at North Hennepin Community College, every week we would have a forum where an international student would talk about life in their home country. And every American student in one English class had to interview an international student. Some of the things they learned and wrote were so powerful.
Q) Is that a spiritual exercise, in a way?
A) Yes. Spiritually, it’s the basis that all people are created, and we all have God-given dignity. I’m inspired by different cultures. The women in Ghana dress up for Mass in these beautiful dresses and have to walk for miles to go to Mass. I thought: how beautiful! Here, people skip Mass to go golfing.
Q) Your men’s spirituality group has a pretty simple structure.
A) We don’t have a leader. Nobody’s qualified! We all take responsibility. We’ve read some excellent books. “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. “Falling Upward” by Richard Rohr.
Q) How has the group supported each other over the decades?
A) Members have lost parents. I had two wives pass away. The men were the readers and eucharistic ministers at the funerals. They were calling and sending notes. It meant a lot. I would be in bad shape without their support and a much longer way from God.
Q) Your first wife, Joan, died in 2003, and your second wife, Elizabeth, died last year — both from disease.
A) The first time was a shocker. The second time, it was getting in touch with the cycle of life. God was part of both experiences. I’m a pretty positive person, so I don’t let the negativity keep me from trying to function adequately. The men’s group was crucial in helping me pull through. I realized I’m not alone. Now I focus on the good memories.
Q) Your men’s group established a creed, that you believe in encouraging each other, being vulnerable, keeping it confidential and “gently confronting” another if you sense “non-truths or head trips.”
A) It doesn’t happen very often. But you don’t jump out and say, “I don’t agree with you.” You say, “Tell me more” or “Where do you think that comes from in your life?” Those gentle questions allow someone to dig a little deeper. A couple times they’ve done that for me, and I’d say, “Wow, thank you!” I felt like I really grew and it helped me consider changing my position.
Q) Do you recall a specific time?
A) In the early days, when we all had young kids, and I was pushing catechism classes. I was controlling them. They encouraged me to talk to them about why I valued the classes and ask them if they considered them meaningful.
Q) What advice would you give to someone interested in founding a group like yours?
A) Keep it small. We have a limit of 10 people. Have courage. Commit. Don’t judge the other members. And follow up on what you say you’re going to do.
Q) What’s next for your group?
A) A week ago, we decided we would each right down a spiritual experience every day. And boy, that really opens you up. And if you get near the end of the day and you can’t identify one, then you better jump in a book and start reading! I write mine by hand in my spiritual notebook, sitting in my recliner. It’s my spot.
Q) That sounds lovely!
A) I’m in a corner unit, so I have windows on both sides. I’m a flower person, so I save my flowers during the winter and then put them out on the deck. There are about 25 flower pots out there. It really helped after Elizabeth passed away. I would go out on the deck and I would look up at the clouds and I would talk to her.
Q) It sounds like you stay connected to your deepest values.
A) When I go to Mass, I say, “Good morning, dear Jesus. Here I am. I want to be able to learn more and understand more.” I read all the readings and receive the Eucharist, and I don’t let the other stuff get in the way.
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