Mutuality in modern marriage

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Mutuality is often understood as the ability to empathize with another person. When we are thinking about Catholic Christian marriage, this would refer to the desire to care for our spouse with the same consideration we care for ourselves.

A mutual love is self-giving and has a shared, reciprocal quality to it. When such a love is extended from one spouse to the other, it is Christ himself who provides the connection between the partners. According to the late Richard P. McBrien, a Catholic theologian, the sacrament of matrimony is viewed as an experience of mutual love. McBrien explains that growth in mutuality brings the sacrament to its fullest realization.

According to clinical psychologist Sue Johnson, co-creator of Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT), couples who love their spouse in a mutual, empathic way are accessible, responsive and engaged. In this model of therapy, couples provide security through accessibility when they answer texts, emails or phone calls from their spouse. They are responsive when they lovingly fulfill their spouse’s request for affection or an invitation to spend time together. They are engaged when they turn off social media, turn toward each other and demonstrate they are actively listening.

In our over-stimulated, chaotic and worried culture, becoming an accessible, responsive and engaged spouse, in order to provide mutuality for the other, is not an easy or simple task. We may have every desire to be that person for our spouse, but pressures from work, other family responsibilities, or children who need us in an immediate and demanding way, require dividing our resources, causing us to be less attentive than we want to be.

We cannot say “yes” to everything that is presented to us, which means that we must set priorities with our time and energy. Even thinking about goal-setting, so that our highest ideals come to fruition, can be overwhelming. Therefore, keeping it simple is the best way to begin.

Set aside five minutes and create a quick chart with the words “accessible, responsive and engaged” at the top. Then draw vertical and horizontal lines that divide the paper into a simple graph.

Throughout your day, notice when you were accessible, responsive and engaged with your spouse and put a check in each respective box representing a time that you achieved these tasks in simple ways. At the end of your day, notice how many checks you have on your paper in total, as well as in each category, signifying that you were accessible, responsive and engaged to your spouse that day.

If you said a prayer for your spouse or gave them a hug and told them you love them, put a check in the engaged column. If you responded to a text and said “I love you” or added a loving emoji (if you like that kind of thing), put a check in the responsive column. If you helped your spouse by fulfilling a request they have made of you, put a check in the accessible column. In doing so, you will see areas in your relationship in which you have already achieved success, as well as those needing improvement.

Becoming a more accessible, responsive and engaged spouse fulfills the responsibilities placed upon us when we spoke our wedding vows. Ask yourself this month if you are fulfilling your call to your spouse and make a commitment to rededicate yourself to improving this vital relationship in your life.

Soucheray is a licensed marriage and family therapist and a member of Guardian Angels in Oakdale. She holds a master’s degree in theology from The St. Paul Seminary School of Divinity in St. Paul and a doctorate in educational leadership from St. Mary’s University of Minnesota.