Friendship in marriage

When I was in my mid-20s and thinking about getting married, my mother gave me sage advice. She suggested that I have lots of male friends and then marry my best friend. St. Thomas Aquinas, an Italian Dominican friar, philosopher, Catholic priest and doctor of the Church, supported this view: “The greater the friendship, the more solid and long-lasting (the marriage) will be,” he wrote.

During these past few months of incalculable stress and emotional strain, it is not too difficult to understand the stress and strain marriages are experiencing as well. And yet, if we can keep in mind our friendship that was at the foundation of our union, we can help ourselves navigate the uncharted terrain of establishing a more solid relationship at this difficult time.

Albert Ellis, a cognitive-behavioral psychologist from the 1960s, developed a theory that is especially helpful during a time of turbulence, uncertainty and fear. This theory is called the Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy, or REBT. The theory involves four steps, which Ellis referred to as A-B-C-D. He encouraged his clients to consider the A, or the Action, that occurred that was offensive or troubling for them. Next, the B represents the Beliefs this person holds, with regard to self-statements expressed concerning the Action. The C of Ellis’ theory represents the Consequences of the Action and the Beliefs, stated in terms of what the person did and what they felt. Finally, D indicates the Disputing evidence the individual generates, by seeing the original belief as irrational, and substituting a more rational statement in its place.

If we take a moment and investigate how this applies to situations facing couples today, we will see how Ellis’ theory can be particularly helpful. For example, when something occurs in a home between a couple, it is not uncommon to see old wounds arise. Something may happen — the Action — and the receiving spouse will likely have a Belief about what the spouse said or did, or didn’t say or do. Very often, this spouse will have feelings that are activated from these unhealed wounds and respond in a way that is less than honorable or kind, which are the Consequences of the original interaction.

It is at this point that Ellis suggests that couples step back and Dispute their original, irrational-thought process and attempt to extend graciousness toward their spouse, by way of creating a more rational thought.

When we think of our friends, we normally extend Ellis’ process without thinking. We will give our friends a second chance, looking for an explanation to their Actions, moving swiftly to more positive Beliefs, leading to healthier, more positive Consequences, and having to Dispute irrational thoughts much less often. However, when it comes to our spouse, we are so much less inclined to offer this same grace. Rather, we hold our spouse accountable for every negative action that ever occurred between us, often withholding forgiveness and understanding.

If, however, we were to think of our spouse as our friend, we may approach their Action in a much different way. We may be more open to seeing how the stress and strain of this time is affecting them, and ask questions about how they are feeling and handling things, rather than gravitating toward assumptions. As we ask questions, rather than make assumptions, we will likely find that the Beliefs, or self-statements, we make will be more positive. This will lead to more productive Consequences, thus requiring less Disputation of irrational thoughts.

Imagine how such a process could impact a couple, as well as the family that is created by their union. Choosing to see our spouse as our friend, rather than our foe, will lead to a much more positive married life for everyone involved. Albert Ellis’ Rational-Emotive Behavior Theory is a sound and useful skill-building process for any couple, at any time in their marriage. At this time in which we are living, this will not only be a sound and useful theory, it may also be life-giving.

Soucheray is a licensed marriage and family therapist and a member of Guardian Angels in Oakdale. She holds a master’s degree in theology from The St. Paul Seminary School of Divinity in St. Paul and a doctorate in educational leadership from St. Mary’s University of Minnesota.